


Mad as a Hatter (Thin as a Dime) - Chapter 4, censored

by homicider00m (suicider00m)



Category: this is an edit for a different work and i dont feel like writing out all the fandoms again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-04
Updated: 2016-04-04
Packaged: 2018-05-31 07:57:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6462217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suicider00m/pseuds/homicider00m
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is Chapter 4 of my story MHTD in which the graphic purging scene has been edited out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mad as a Hatter (Thin as a Dime) - Chapter 4, censored

**Author's Note:**

> Original Work: http://archiveofourown.org/works/4906963/chapters/11256223

Pete’s Halloween party was insane. The house was filled with people, so crowded that Ryan had difficulty navigating through the crowd. Everyone was wearing a costume, Ryan included. He was dressed as a skeleton, wearing a shirt and black jeans on which he had painted the skeletal anatomy. The white paint was faintly luminescent, disguising his body shape and lending to the illusion. Spencer had done his face makeup, using black eyeshadow to softly contour his face into a skull. He had no doubt that it would be destroyed by the end of the night, whether from spilled alcohol or Brendon’s mouth he was unsure.

“RyRo! Moon to my sun, Scully to my Mulder!”

Ryan turned toward the voice and laughed as his boyfriend, unclothed except for a laurel wreath on his head and a bedsheet wrapped around his body in an attempt to recreate a toga, slung an arm over his shoulder and pressed a sloppy kiss to his mouth. He pushed Brendon’s hair back off his face, repositioning his wreath before gently patting his cheek. “You’re drunk.”

“You’re pretty,” Brendon replied, smiling wide and resting his forehead against Ryan’s. “Even as a skeleton, although you kind of look like a skeleton all the time.”

Ryan’s smile dropped as he pulled his face away from Brendon’s. He voice was shaky with repressed anger as he asked, “What the fuck, Brendon?”

Brendon become worried at once, his brows furrowing and his hands coming up to hold Ryan’s face. He looked at Ryan earnestly, pressing a soft, chaste kiss to his lips. “No, baby. No, no, no,” he slurred. “You’re so perfect, so fucking perfect okay? I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.”

Brendon leaned forward to kiss him again but Ryan pulled away, not appeased by his boyfriend’s apology. His shoulders slumped, the anger in his voice giving way to hurt as he asked, “Why does everyone say that? That I look like skeleton?” 

Arms wrapped around him, pulling him into a tight embrace. He clung to bare shoulders and pushed his face into Brendon’s neck, allowing the boy’s soothing words to wash over him.

“I’m so sorry, baby,” he murmured, his hands rubbing soothing circles on Ryan’s back. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I never want to hurt you. You’re beautiful and perfect and _so fucking pretty_ , Ry, you have no idea. I love you, baby. I love you so much, you have no idea.”

“I love you too,” Ryan said, slightly surprised by Brendon’s declaration but not in the least bit hesitant about his reply. Ryan pulled his head back and kissed Brendon hard, his arms wrapping around his shoulders and pulling the other boy flush against him. Brendon’s arms tightened around his waist, a hand falling lower and lower down his back until it rested just on his-

“Sorry to be a cock block, but I’m looking for a fuckboy with a big forehead. Have you seen him?”

Brendon laughed as he pulled away from Ryan and launched himself at the speaker. A tall, tanned man dressed in far too much neon smiled at Ryan, untangling an arm from Brendon’s death grip and sticking his hand out.

“I’m Gabe, and I’m guessing you’re Ryan,” he said, shaking Ryan’s hand with a firm grip. “I’ve heard a lot about you. This dickbag won’t shut up about you.”

Ryan smiled softly at that, looking away bashfully. Gabe turned his attention to Brendon, Ryan watching as the two talked animatedly with one another. Eventually he turned away, wandering off in search of the alcohol supply. He couldn’t get Brendon’s earlier comment out of his mind, but he figured he’d take a page out of his dad’s book on how to try to forget.

x x x

_Beeb: i dont remember a lot from last night but i meant what i said_  
_Beeb: i love you_  
_Beeb: <3_  
_RyRo: I love you too <3 Now shut the fuck up and let me sleep off my hangover_  
_Beeb: we could meet up for breakfast at that diner, the one down the street from that record store you like_  
_RyRo: Oh my god if you do not let me sleep I will break up with you_  
_Beeb: okay srry bby_  
_Beeb: btw, spencer found his salamander last night_  
_RyRo: WAIT WHAT_  
_RyRo: Tell me everything_

x x x

“Are you guys still coming over for Thanksgiving next Thursday?” Spencer asked Ryan as they sat at their usual table in the library. 

“Yeah,” Ryan replied, refusing to look up lest Spencer see the panic in his eyes.

Thanksgiving was going difficult, holidays being a hard time in general for him. His family spent a lot of time together and it was difficult to get away with not eating, not to mention that the food they were eating was rich and ridiculously high in calories. He always binged around holidays and he knew that this one would be no different. He had a plan though, and hopefully he wouldn’t gain too much weight. He’d eat nothing starting on Monday and break his fast Thursday night with Thanksgiving dinner. After dinner he’d purge as quietly as he could in Spencer’s bathroom, upstairs and far enough away from the dining room that he wouldn’t have to be worried about being heard. When he got home he would take five laxatives, one laxative every 10 minutes. He’d stay up the rest of the night and exercise in his room to burn more calories. Friday he’d fast again, and on Saturday and Sunday he would eat only yoghurt and oatmeal; the following week he’d be back on his normal diet. He hoped that the altered plan would be enough to reverse the damage that he would inevitably do.

“My mom is making a huge pan of her baked macaroni and cheese,” Spencer said, leaning back in his chair and rubbing his stomach as though the food was already in him. “She’s using six types of cheese, Ryan, _six_.”

“Can’t wait,” Ryan replied, trying to ignore the taste of bile at the back of his throat.

x x x

When Ryan opened his laptop and saw William’s online status, he abandoned any attempt at starting his homework, instead calling his friend and waiting for him to answer.

“Hey RyRo,” William said when his picture showed up.

“Hey Bilvy,” Ryan replied softly, taking in his friend’s appearance. Bill sounded tired and he looked it too. There was a weak smile on his face though and he didn’t look any worse than when Ryan had last seen him, so Ryan considered that a victory. He still looked horrible but at least he wasn’t getting any worse (yet).

They sat in silence for a few moments, tense and uncertain about how to continue from their earlier fight.

“So,” William said, his voice soft as though he was afraid to speak too loud. “I kind of met someone.” 

The uncertainty disappeared and it was as though their fight had never happened. Ryan smirked and wiggled his eyebrows exaggeratedly, making William laugh. “Tell me everything, bitch.”

They ended up talking late into the night in an unconscious effort to make up for lost time. Apparently, William had gone to a party after a Midtown concert and the band ended up attending. He went out back for a smoke and the lead singer ( _Gabriel_ William said with hearts in his eyes, _like the angel_ ) was out there, and they ended up sharing a pack and a half of cigarettes and a cheap bottle of whiskey. They exchanged numbers before leaving and they’ve been texting every day since, even gone out for coffee a few times. 

“Do you like him? And does he like you?” Ryan asked, after listening to William’s story with a wide grin.

William’s bright smile faltered a bit, and he let out a soft sigh before replying, “Absolutely, and I’m pretty sure he feels the same but I think he knows I’m anorexic. He looks at me like he’s in love but at the same time pitying; it breaks my heart every time.”

“Do you think you guys’ll get together?”

William’s smile disappeared completely. “Honestly, no.” He rubbed his hands over his face, frustrated. “I think he could love me but I don’t think he could ever love my eating disorder.”

Ryan felt a pang of fear in his chest at the idea of Brendon finding out about his own eating disorder. He gave Bill a comforting smile but he wasn’t able to hide the slight tremble in his voice.

“If he really loves you, he’ll want to be with you anyways.”

x x x

_thinasadime updated his status: Thanksgiving dinner tonight. Kill me now -_-_  
_anaandalex replied: good luck!! don’t let a bad day turn into a bad week c:_  
_xXkevthinXx replied: i feel you, friend :p_  
_oli-psycho replied: so happy I live in the UK, Thanksgiving sounds horrible :(_  
_skinny-sixx replied: i snuck out my bedroom window so i wouldn’t have to eat ://_  
_thinNick replied: I have to share my bathroom with visiting family members, hope they don’t mind the smell of puke :D_

x x x

It was torture. 

The actual eating and food part wasn’t too terrible, considering Ryan was actually starving. He controlled himself, surprisingly. He ate far too much, but it wasn’t a full out binge. A single slice of turkey, a half portion each of stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy poured over both, a small bowl of macaroni and cheese, half of a piece of corn on the cob (the other half snuck onto Spencer’s plate), a dinner roll without butter, and a spoonful of cranberry sauce. Then there was the dessert: a few forkfuls of Spencer’s slices of apple and pumpkin pie and a single scoop of vanilla ice cream. It wasn’t as bad as it could have been.

The worst part was the waiting. He couldn’t go to the bathroom right after, he had to wait at least twenty minutes so it wouldn’t be too suspicious. He could feel the food in his stomach, weighing him down and ruining everything he had worked for. 

He was sitting on the couch, tuning out the conversation that carried on around him. He couldn’t stop fidgeting, his knees bouncing and fingers tapping against his leg. He sat hunched over, doing his best to hide his disgustingly bloated stomach. He could feel the waist of his jeans digging into his stomach, his shirt clinging to his torso. He had to force down the food that kept threatening to come up his throat. Six more minutes.

“Ryan?”

Ryan jerked up, realizing everyone was staring at him. He stared around in confusion until Mrs. Smith repeated herself.

“I said, you didn’t eat much at dinner. Are you alright? Not coming down with something, I hope.”

Ryan’s body went rigid, his fingers digging into his thigh so tightly he knew there would be bruises in the morning. Didn’t eat much? Didn’t she see all the food Ryan ate, how he completely pigged out? The thought that she was taunting him crossed his mind but he did his best not to think about it. He offered her a weak smile, replying, “I’m fine. Just wasn’t very hungry, I guess.”

“You’re never hungry,” Spencer said with a chuckle. 

The comment was like a slap to the face. He was so shocked that he couldn’t bring himself to move or speak, forced to sit and watch the nightmare unfold.

“It’s probably got something to do with his size,” Mr. Smith commented. “He just doesn’t need as much to get through the day.”

“He’s always been small, but he used to have more of an appetite when he was younger,” Ryan’s mother replied.

“You and I know it, Danielle!” Mrs. Smith laughed, taking a sip of her wine before continuing.”I remember when Ryan used to eat an entire box of macaroni and have plenty of room for dessert. Now he only eats a small bowl. You’d think his appetite would grow with him, but apparently not.”

“And he doesn’t eat most of the things he used to,” Spencer piped in. “He never eats junk food anymore. I mean, good on him for eating healthy, but it makes me feel like a real pig sometimes!”

Everyone laughed and Ryan felt something inside him break. He looked at the people around him, not understanding how they saw what they did but didn’t manage to piece it together. On one hand he was elated that he had managed to keep his secret, but on the other it hurt to know that they weren’t paying enough attention to figure it out. 

Ryan laughed suddenly, loud and brash and startling everyone else into silence. They stared at him as he continued to laugh, tears spring to the corners of his eyes. He stood, still laughing, and announced he was going out for fresh air. He laughed as he left the otherwise silent room, laughed even harder when the tears began to roll down his face as he walked down the stairs, laughed and cried as he left the apartment and began walking. By the time he was two blocks away he was full out sobbing.

(This is where the scene originally would have been. Basically, Ryan ends up purging the meal in an alleyway and does not return to Spencer's house.)

x x x

“Hey Ryan, do you have an eating disorder?”

Spencer asked the question casually, as though it was a normal conversation topic. He didn’t even bother to look at Ryan, instead continuing to read his book. Ryan, on the other hand, wasn’t sure what he wanted more: to cry or to flip the library table. He couldn’t move or get his voice to work; it was Thanksgiving all over again. He had been so careful with hiding it and now somebody knew. His _best friend_ knew. His fear quickly turned to anger. Anger at Spencer for confronting him, angry at his father for fucking him up, angry at himself for not keeping the one secret that mattered.

“What the fuck,” he eventually spat out. “Really Spencer?”

Spencer looked at Ryan over his book, his face unimpressed. “Well, I wasn’t the one who went fucking insane at Thanksgiving.”

“Excuse me if I don’t like being made fun of,” Ryan snapped, his face beginning to form a snarl.

“There’s a difference between telling people to tone it down and walking out without a word. You didn’t even come back!”

“Because I didn’t feel like putting up with your bullshit.”

Spencer shut his book forcefully before slamming it on the table, attracting the attention of nearly everyone in the library. “You have a problem, Ryan.”

The paper under Ryan’s hand crumpled as his hand clenched into a fist. He closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath before opening his eyes and forcefully telling Spencer, “I do not have a problem.”

“Jesus fucking Christ!” Spencer exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. Neither boy gave thought to the small audience that had accumulated. “You fucking starve yourself, how is that not a problem?”

“Because it isn’t! I’m perfectly fine.”

Spencer crossed his arms, leaning forward on the table toward Ryan.

“Look me in the fucking eye and tell me that.”

Ryan couldn’t meet Spencer’s stare.

“That’s what I fucking thought.”

Ryan looked up, seething with anger. “Fuck you,” he said before collecting his things and leaving the library.

x x x

_Ryan Ross: Hey I really need to talk to you, I just had a shit day and I need someone to tell me it will get better_

_Ryan Ross: Where are you? You’re normally online by now_

_Ryan Ross: Bill what’s going on it’s nearly midnight and you haven’t been on at all today_

_Ryan Ross: William what the fuck is going on_  
_Ryan Ross: I went to message you on the ed forum and it said you deleted your account. why??_  
_Ryan Ross: where are you_  
_Ryan Ross: bill im so scared pleas just tell me somthing_

_Ryan Ross: youre the only prson i dont have to lie to_  
_Ryan Ross: im entirely alone wthout you_

_Ryan Ross: bilvy please_


End file.
